← LCCCOMMUNICATION & RELATIONSHIPS
Communication & Relationships Cheat Sheet
  1. Full presence — Phone face-down, eye contact, body turned toward speaker. Signal that you are fully there
  2. Listen to understand, not to reply — Resist planning your response while they speak. Just absorb. Your turn comes
  3. Reflect back — "What I am hearing is... Did I get that right?" Confirms understanding and makes the speaker feel heard
  4. Ask open questions — "Tell me more about..." or "What was that like?" — expands the conversation. Avoid yes/no questions
  5. Acknowledge feelings first — "That sounds really frustrating" before offering solutions. Emotions need acknowledgement before advice is received
  6. Silence is okay — Comfortable silence after they speak = you are processing. Rushing to fill silence = you are not listening
★Most relationship problems are listening problems in disguise. People do not want solutions first — they want to feel understood.
  1. 1. Observation (not evaluation) — "When I see/hear ___" — describe the specific behaviour, not an interpretation. "When you come home late" not "You never care about us"
  2. 2. Feeling (not thought) — "I feel ___" — name an actual emotion (frustrated, scared, sad, lonely). Not "I feel like you don't care" (that is a thought/judgment)
  3. 3. Need — "Because I need ___" — state the underlying need (security, respect, connection, rest). Needs are universal and non-blaming
  4. 4. Request (not demand) — "Would you be willing to ___?" — concrete, actionable, present tense. Request, not ultimatum. Accept "no" gracefully
★NVC example: "When I see dishes in the sink after 9pm (observation), I feel stressed (feeling), because I need a calm space to wind down (need). Would you be willing to clean up before 8pm? (request)"
Pause and regulate first
"I need 10 minutes before I can discuss this properly." Prevents saying things you regret. Cool-down is not avoidance
Validate before responding
"I understand why you feel that way. That makes sense given..." — disarms defensiveness immediately
Use "I" statements
"I felt hurt when..." not "You always..." or "You make me feel..." — removes accusation
Find common ground
"We both want this to work / we both care about ___. Let's focus on that." Shifts to collaboration
Avoid absolute language
NEVER say "always" or "never" in conflict — triggers defensiveness and derails the real issue
Circular clarification
"Help me understand — what did you mean when you said ___?" Curiosity instead of assumption
  1. Responsibility — own it fully — "I am sorry I ___." No "but", no "if you felt". A "but" cancels the apology. Full stop after the apology
  2. Empathy — show you understand the impact — "I understand that what I did made you feel ___. That was not okay." Show you grasp the hurt, not just the act
  3. Amend — commit to change — "Going forward, I will ___." A specific, actionable commitment. Apology without change is a manipulation tactic
★"I am sorry you feel that way" is NOT an apology — it shifts responsibility to the other person. "I am sorry I did X and that it hurt you" is a real apology.